his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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