I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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