shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
