yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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