she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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