1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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