I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
too bad you live with your parents still
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the condom got lost in my hair
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
