If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
