Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
