the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
