Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
