How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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