I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
