Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
