Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
