So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
