her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
