there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
