Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize