I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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