I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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