its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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