every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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