Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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