my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
