FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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