Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
