My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
