peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
