I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
