I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
