can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my phone needs a breathalizer
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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