My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
