can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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