Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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