Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
