hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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