Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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