cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize