I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
