Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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