if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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