Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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