Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
