Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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