It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
