I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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