I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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