i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
