if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pants are for mortals
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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