I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
