There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize