chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it was like eating out sand paper
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
