Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize