she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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