Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize