oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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