sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
