Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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